Adventures of a Girl on a Road

2011-09-26T15:36:00.000-07:00

There's a river of birds in migration
A nation of women with wings.
--Libana

I just spent a weekend camping with very close friends, who have become more like family...these are the women I call my "tribe". I met them at an annual event called the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (MWMF). It happens every August in, as you might have guessed, Michigan. I think next year will be the 37th year - although I'm not sure. I sort of do the math by figuring that the festival is 10 years older than the local folk music festival I work to produce every year.

My first festival was in 2002. I haven't missed a year since. This year, my Aunt and Sister and new niece joined me for part of the week - and THAT was really special.

They had been hearing me talk about the festival and how energizing and empowering it is for me to go unplug for a week in the woods and recharge my batteries by immersing myself music, workshops and community.

It is a festival that's intended for women who were born female and still identify as such. There aren't many events (in fact, I found only one other by googling it) with this specific purpose. So, while I definitely go to lots of other events throughout the year, the uniqueness of this space calls me home in August. It is positively affirming to go to this place where everything is done by women...the plumbing; the wood burning stoves in the kitchen where the meals are cooked; the electricity; building the stage; the stories-high sound and lighting booth....and I know I'm forgetting a LOT that has to happen to bring that community in the woods to life every year.

Anyhow - as I was camping in the state park this past weekend, with my small group of festival friends, I reflected back on this year's Michigan Womyn's Music Festival with such gratitude. It was a tough year for me since it was my first fest without my partner, Becky, who passed away in early 2011 after a fierce and short battle with cancer. She introduced me to fest; I had never even been tent-camping before that year. But my friends came in closer and supported me through it, and gave me space when I just needed to fall apart. So, I reflected on that, too. Mostly, what I'm feeling is a huge amount of gratitude for finding Becky, for finding Fest, and for having the friends/family in my life that I do.

Life is GOOD. And, I'll see you in August.

2011-03-03T21:16:00.000-08:00

My friend Natalia and her sister Arianna have started a sister's blog - which led me here....and I had to log in in order to follow their blog (they're very funny and remind me a lot of my relationship with my own sister)....and when I logged in, and saw my own blog, I realized it has been an insanely long time since I wrote here.

If I look at the pattern, it would seem that I blog when I'm grieving. Huh. Interesting pattern.

Ah well - I'm grieving again, so there you go.

Speaking of the grieving process. Wow - it's not linear...it's like a spiraling onion....and I'm trying again to just honor whatever feelings come up, trusting the process and that whatever it is...it's normal. And temporary.

Reading a great book by SARK - one that was gifted to me by my generous friend Diane...it's called "Glad No Matter What - Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity."

I totally buy into it....that grief and loss can give way to something beautiful and growing.

I also believe that we are all spiritual beings having experiences in physical bodies. And if THAT's true....then when our physical bodies die, we're still spiritual beings very much alive.

And yet....even though all that's true....I'm in the midst of some pretty dark grief filled days....and find myself wondering how or if I'll ever really be happy again....or if I'll get to a point in the process where I don't cry every day.

But - more about that later. I'm exhausted....and blogging now would be kinda like drunk dialing. Good to be back, and I have my friend to thank....

This week's pick one thing....

2009-12-16T10:43:00.000-08:00

Within the last 6 months, I have been required to work from the office (as opposed to working from home)...to make the concept (and the rush-hour commute) more palatable, I started cultivating this horrible habit of going through the McDonald's drive through for McCafe'. Then, as long as I was there, I would get a breakfast sandwich.

I knew that was a habit that I needed to break - both for health and financial reasons. Yet, I just couldn't; my car was sucked into the drive through like a magnet.

When I thought about why I was resisting...I discovered that it wasn't the food at all that I wanted - it was the coffee. The food got added because I have taken to carrying little/no cash on my person; I use my debit card. (this is how I discovered that I needed a separate budget line-item just for my nasty drive-through habit) And, when I used my debit card I would feel guilty (don't ask...I can't explain) "just" getting a coffee...like use of a debit card wasn't justifiable or permissable for "just" coffee. That is how the food got thrown in.

So...I set out to find a way to have the coffee that I enjoy in the morning while saving money and avoiding fast food. I bought myself a coffee maker for the office (because I didn't want to spend $4 on a coffee at the cafe here in the building, either) and started using it 2 weeks ago.

I am happy to say that, for the 2 weeks since I got the machine, I have not driven through McDonald's! I have saved $5.59/day on the coffee and McGriddle combo and avoided fast food!

Next week I'll be at the homestead in Michigan...safe travels to all this holiday season.

Grieving through the "firsts"....

2009-12-11T12:06:00.000-08:00

My Dad died in mid-October 2008. Fully a year ago.

"They" say that the first everything is the hardest after someone dies. First holidays, first birthday...you name it....if it's the first after the death, then it's the hardest.

Well, I am not disputing "them". But I will also say very honestly that I feel like the first holidays without my Dad - i.e., the holidays of 2008 - were a cake-walk compared to this second wave of grief that has swelled up this year.

Maybe it's because he died so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas...so that initial hazy fox with which grief blankets us in those first weeks or months after someone dies carried me through the holidays relatively unscathed....

Whereas someone whose loved one died early in the year might experience their first holidays without the loved one with more sadness and missing.

Now, a year out, I'm much clearer in my head....and the holidays this year, I'm finding, are a whole different ball of string. Seems like THIS round of holidays is felt with the same kind of magnitude normally reserved for the first round that "they" warn you about.

So it's sort of like when tissue goes into shock...the nerves sort of numb-up....and then, later, when stuff starts coming back to life tissues and nerves connect we are thrust back into the acute awareness of the pain that comes with healing.

I keep clinging to the fact that grief is a process - although admit to really wondering when I'll see the light at the end of this tunnel.

Mostly, though...I just miss my Dad.

Wow - a year (almost) has passed....

2009-11-01T15:24:00.000-08:00

So, my good friend and amazing songwriter, Ellis (ellis-music.com) just uploaded her first video-blog on her blogspot site, and I wanted to leave a comment....which meant I had to log in....which led me to my own blogspot page....which led me to realize how dang long it has been since I have written. Wow! Almost a year!

Today is the first day of Nanowrimo, which stands for "National Novel Writer's Month" - a month-long challenge to write an entire novel in just one month. I attempted it before, and got about 2/3 of the way to the word limit on my novel - which was a meandering mess of epic proportions that I suppose would have had some sort of an arc if you stood far enough away from it...but it sure wasn't gonna reach the end of the rainbow by the end of that November or by the time I reached the word limit.

This year, I don't think I'm gonna attempt Nanowrimo. Rather, I think I'm going to be more mindful about blogging here and call it good. Probably won't get as fancy as Miss Ellis with a video-blog - or maybe I will. Some day. For now, blogging with words will be great.

Another great and inspiring friend of mine, Faith (my fitness guru ab-whisperer), has been talking for a few months now about just tackling one thing at a time..."just one thing."

Here it is....my one thing for this week: play my guitar every day, for at least the amount of time it takes for a birthday cake-sized candle to extinguish (that's about 5 minutes, as I recall....longer is ok, but at least 5 minutes).

What's yours?

On the precipice of a new year....

2008-12-31T11:45:00.000-08:00

My friend, Kristin, sent this to me today via FaceBook (she received it via her team's chaplain at work)...I wanted to record it here, both for you to see (because I think it's filled with hope and inspiration) and because I want to have it some place where it's easy for ME to find as well....

Standing at the Gates of the New Year

Sacred Mystery, waiting on the threshold of this new year,
You open the gates and beckon to me:
“Come! Come! Be not wary of what awaits you as you enter the unknown terrain,
Be not doubtful of your ability to grow from its joys and sorrows.
For I am with you. I will be your guide. I will be your protector.
You will never be alone”.

Guardian of this new year, I set aside my fears, worries, concerns,
I open my life to mystery, to beauty, to hospitality, to questions,
To the endless opportunity of discovering you in my relationships,
And to all the silent wisps of wonder tht will draw me to your heart.
I welcome your unfailing Presence

And walk with hope into this new year.

Joyce Rupp

The flake report - from my 3rd floor perch

2008-12-19T07:36:00.000-08:00

Well, the weather-folk were right! The snow storm arrived as predicted. It's around when I started working at 7 am, there was 7 inches of fluffy white stuff on the ground. It shows no sign of stopping.

The flakes are a mixed crowd.

Some wander aimlessly...very floaty and light. Others make a bee-line to the ground.

Not much wind, either. So, the floating flakes seem to be floating of their own volition and not because they are propelled by wind. It's quite lovely.

I haven't actually been IN the snow yet, so I'm not sure if it's the right material for a snowperson or snowball. I'm hoping it's at least a little wet, though, because there is certainly enough of it to make a whole village of peeps.

For now, until meetings wrap for the day, I am enjoying it all from my bird's eye perch, with a cup of coffee and the sounds of neighborhood snowblowers filling the air.

2008-12-17T07:17:00.000-08:00

I love weather.

I love that my Dad's family chose to live in the midwest when they came over on the boat from Italy....they chose it in part because of the offering of four seasons. Where we're from in Italy, it gets very warm in summer, but in winter, it only gets as cold as early spring does here in the Midwest. Never any snow in the valley where they live, only in the mountains. There were lots of other considerations, as well - having a job lined up, a support network close by, etc.

But, the ability to enjoy all 4 seasons was important to them, and I'm grateful.

Lately, it has been snowing a lot. And, I find myself observing the very different "kinds" of snow that are falling....feeling like the Eskimos have it going on to have so many wonderful words to describe snow.

Yesterday, for example...the flakes were falling with a PURPOSE. They had somewhere to BE. Big, heavy flakes, not much wind. The flakes were falling like rain....straight down.

Today, the flakes are falling more leisurely, with less purpose. They are smaller and more fluffy, somehow. They are floating more than they're falling...like the journey from sky to land is so much more important than getting to ground. Yesterday, the flakes had a job....today, they are playing.

There's another storm watch advisory through Friday now - although the really big part of the storm isn't going to hit until rush hour tomorrow evening. Since I have to go to the brick and mortar office, and yesterday a 40-minute trip took 2 1/2 hours, I'm sort of not looking forward to the hazardous road conditions.

BUT...I'm also kind of excited to see what kind of snowflakes I get to meet tomorrow, too....

What a ride...

2008-12-02T10:14:00.001-08:00

Reflecting back on the past year, my head feels heavy with all of the grieving my family has done. Two of Mom's 4 sisters died - one, #2/5 - Paulette, died in April; the other, #5/5, Pat, died in September.

Dad's health turned a corner for the worse in June, he spent all of June in the hospital before being released with oxygen and a portable iv pump. He rallied a bit, but never turned the next corner to full recovery. He was home, getting used to the "new" normal and finding a groove....when his defibrillator fired in September. That seemed to mark the start of the final decline. He was in for a week, out for a week...and then in again until mid-October.

He had a usual blood draw on a Monday, and the Doctor called to advise him to go to the nearest ER to be admitted. His kidneys were failing as a complication of heart failure and the heart failure drugs weren't working any more. It seemed unfathomable that we were hearing "there's nothing more we can do".

I spent so much time on the road and in the hospital with him, that the months from June until he gave up the fight in October, are a blur. Stuff got done; bills got paid...but clearly, I was on autopilot.

Dad died very early in the morning, in his sleep, on Sunday 10/12.

They had tried one last thing - the addition of a 2nd inotrope, a "cousin" to the first - on Thursday. On Friday, he really seemed to rally, and we were hopeful that he would at least be able to return home the following week...although it was clear that he was closer to the end of the process, so we weren't fooled into thinking a full recovery would be had.

He was alert. He was talking. He laughed. He had a great appetite.

Then, on Saturday, his blood pressure dipped dangerously low in the morning. It came back, but stayed low-ish throughout the day. He was very weak and winded. He began having strange dreams and talking in his sleep. I got to feed him dinner Saturday night. He wasn't in any pain, but was increasingly uncomfortable.

He wasn't an outwardly emotional man, so we didn't really verbalize a lot....but we shared some long looks...and as I stared intently into the hazel-green-brown eyes that are remarkably like my own, it was clear that we both knew the score. It was very real and very surreal all at once.

I know how he really had a hard time dealing with others crying in his presence...so I did my best to wait until I got to the hallway to fall apart.

He called his Mom at 10:30. We talked until 11. Mom and I tried to negotiate with him to let at least one of us stay with him and then we'd switch in the morning. He told us he wanted us to go home so we could both come back first thing. We left around 1130. He died an hour and a half later.

I know there's always a debate over whether it hurts less when you get a chance to say goodbye with a gradual death or whether it's sudden and unexpected. I got to experience both this year. I can confirm: both suck.

I'm really at a loss for words. Some days are better than others - but really, the grief and sadness are still pretty raw and at the surface. I know all that I'm feeling is "normal" and "to be expected"...and that grieving is not linear....and I trust what "they" say about the process, and that it gets better. I'm trying to honor what comes up and process through to a better place. And...life is really miraculous and there is still so much to be grateful for here in the land of the living...I KNOW this.

But some days, I feel so overwhelmingly and profoundly sad that I do wonder if maybe they're wrong, because I can't see my way clear to the time when I'm not so sad. It seems so remote.

We spent our first holiday without him last week - and it was just weird. I kept looking for him at his usual spot at the end of the table, and when I didn't see him, I felt like he'd be coming in the door any second. His absence was clearly noticeable.

I feel like a homing or orienting device...like a compass or land surveyor's token is missing....and I have to get reoriented to navigation without the steadfast support and friendship of my Dad.

Culinary Adventures....

2008-07-18T20:36:00.000-07:00

So, I told my friend I was buying dinner, that she could pick the place...which basically turned into "Tell me what kind of food you want, and I'll find a place that serves it" (she's not from this area).

Fair enough.

She said she wanted Thai food.

Aside from the fact that I was nervous about there even being such an ethnic place around these stickly parts....I had never had Thai food before.

Before tonight, that is.

Turns out, there IS a Thai place very close to home. We're in luck, I thought....followed quickly by "Oh crap....I hope I find something not too spicy to eat there!"

I don't know exactly what she ordered. Some things that looked like egg rolls - only they weren't deep fried and they were served cold. The wrappers were kind of translucent and the brightly colored items inside shined through. She was dipping them in this red pepper sauce that even SMELLED spicy - it was frightening. For her entree, again....I don't know what it was...but there was lots of really lovely broccoli.

I ordered shrimp and peapods.

Totally DELIGHTFUL. There's even mint leaves in it - it is so yummy! And so different from anything I've had before. The sauce was lightly flavored and very light....

See what kinds of great experiences and adventures one can have if we're just open?

So good.....

warm wishes for a good night from a tired and full girl on a road.....

Back into the normal routine....

2008-07-09T10:45:00.000-07:00

Well, after spending much of June on the road and in Michigan, I've had almost 2 full weeks of a normal home routine. I'm back to work and reasonably caught up with work.

Dad, who is in end-stage heart failure (meaning the "normal" cocktail of drugs is no longer working as well as it was), was in the hospital for just about all of June, plus the end of May and the start of July - which is why I trekked back and forth twice.

The first time, he was there for just over 3 weeks. He got out late on a Friday, we met with scads of home healthcare professionals over the weekend to learn how to manage all of his new gadgets (oxygen tanks and drug pumps). I lovingly (if not tediously) placed 3 week's worth of his newly adjusted meds into his jumbo pill-sorting things. All seemed to be stable.

He was home for 3 days. Then, went for 1 of several follow up appointments and landed back in cardiac icu. They apparently wanted to adjust a couple meds and he needed to be admitted in order to do it....and....as long as he was there, they decided to do some of the evaluation steps required to see if he is a candidate for an LVAD (left ventricular assist device.....which, for those of you who followed Grey's Anatomy, is what Denny had). Essentially, it's a mechanical pump that does the work of the left ventricle. There's also an RVAD (right ventricular assist device) and BIVAD (bi-ventricular assist device).....they seem to be used less frequently.

Historically, LVAD's have only been used in situations where a patient is on the transplant waiting list, but needed some pumping assistance in the interim....which got the devices termed "bridge to transplant".

Recently - like in the past 5 or so years - the devices have been approved for long-term or, as they say in the biz, "destination", therapy. Far as I was able to tell, only ONE device has been FDA-approved for destination therapy.

The truly amazing part is that advances are happening really quickly, with all sorts of improvements which ought to really make the devices viable options for end-stage patients. The hope is that improved survival rates with these devices will greatly ease the pressure on the transplant waiting lists because life expectancy rates between the artificial and human transplant options will increasingly become closer.

It was a really interesting process to grapple with, trying to compare having the device vs continuing treatment with an inotrope (primacor). I took the role of trying to get as much digestible information as possible so that Dad could make the best decision for himself. Trying to compare the two options was a bit like comparing apples and oranges - PLUS - there wasn't much information readily accessible regarding long term therapeutic use of primacor. All I was able to uncover is that it is clinically proven to shorten life expectancy, but its intent is to sustain quality.

Dad was really leaning away from the LVAD option, given the invasive installation process (basically, open-heart surgery), the likelihood of being on a respirator, having to have a drive-wire (ie., power cord) coming out of an open wound through his abdomen, etc.

As it turns out, there are some right-heart and lung (i.e., pulmonary pressure) issues which make Dad not a candidate for the LVAD. It makes sense to not install a left-side pump in someone when the right side won't be able to keep up.

I felt really sad when he wasn't eligible. I think it's because, even though he was leaning away from it, it was still an option....and now, it's one less option. He basically has only one option left...and that's the primacor. Dad felt totally peaceful with the "ruling" - and I get that, too - there is something really good about knowing what the deal is. The uncertainty was driving him (and us) crazy.

So, he's home. He's feeling good. He's still got a will and fight to live. His sense of humor is back in keen form - which is something that makes me so happy I could cry!

I hope to be able to write here more regularly....lots of fun stuff coming up in the next few months:

Woodstock Folk Festival on 7/20 (Mark Dvorak, Lou & Peter Berryman, Devil in a Woodpile, Jim Green, Martine Locke, Anna Stange, Twilight Hotel, Dennis Warner, Randall Williams . Check out www.woodstockfolkmusic.com (or see the link to the right) for more info.

Vacation in August! Can't wait for a week of solitude in the woods.....

Six Degrees of Bloggeration

2008-06-10T07:35:00.000-07:00

My good friend, Faith (who also happens to be an amazing Pilates coach and wonderful Mom, Wife and all-around human) had a great suggestion:

Someone should start a blog that will simply show us how many known blogs, in multiples of six, it would take to connect all the blogs in the blogosphere. I suspect she is right - we are all a lot more interconnected than we could imagine.

Here's how this will work:

I've listed out 6 blogs that I visit often. (see below)

I've asked those 6 bloggers to visit here and list 6 blogs that they know of. And, "my 6" should contact "their 6" and ask them to post "THEIR 6" HERE on THIS blog as a comment (and including in their post who referred them)....and so on. I'll keep track of the lists of 6 blogs as they come in, including date of addition and which other blog referred them to the 6-degrees experiment. I will try to find a way to draw a "hub map" like what they have on "The L Word", in the meantime.

We need to try to limit repetition, for this to be most effective. So if you see a blog on our Bloggeration list, below, pick a different one.

OK - Here's my 6 - check 'em out....and comment back with 6 of your own fave blogs:

Faith's Big Ideas: bigideas4u.blogspot.com (6/10: Girl on a Road: This is the woman who provided the idea for "6-Degrees of Bloggeration"! She's such an inspiration to me on so many different levels. In addition to having some great ideas of her own and being generally witty and entertaining, her blog links alone provide hours of fun reading!)

Midlife Clarity: mid-lifeclarity.blogspot.com (6/10: Girl on a Road: I found Janet's blog by accident, searching for blogs that include Melissa Ferrick and dog training...and it turns out, Janet has lots of other interesting stuff to say!)

Baby's Breath Midwifery: babysbreathmidwifery.blogspot.com (6/10: Girl on a Road: I found Laura's blog also by accident, as I was trying to research efficacy of some PR support I had done for her sister, Erika Luckett. There must be something in the Luckett family jeans, because, although they have chosen different career paths, these two women are such amazing spirits - all about the miraculous connectivity of the universe. I just love them.)

You Tour Like a Girl: youtourlikeagirl.blogspot.com (6/10: Girl on a Road: This is my friend Wendy's blog, she is a tour manager for a great musician - Trina Hamlin - and regularly updates this blog with tales of their adventures.)

Jillian's Blog: jillianobriensblog.blogspot.com (6/10: Girl on a Road: Jillian is one of my very best friends. She has been on an adventure of healing for the past 6-7 months. Her journey, strength, and outlook are remarkable.)

Martine Locke's blog: martinelocke.com/blog/blog.html (6/10 Girl on a Road: Martine is a kick-ass musician. However, I read her blog because she is so open and wise and inspiring - she illustrates for me again and again how universal some things are. Yay Mardi!)

OK - and, because I can....I'm including one extra:

Just Eat your Cupcake : just-eat-your-cupcake.blogspot.com (6/10: Girl on a Road: I found Maria's blog on Janet's list of blog links. Her perspective and style of writing really resonates with me)

Missing Electricity

2008-06-01T06:41:00.000-07:00

There were some wicked storms that blew through here on Friday: winds that blew trees sideways, and in many cases, toppled them over. 60-80 year old trees, we're talkin'. Rain....coupled with big fat blizzard-like snowflakes (at the same time).

Around noon on Friday, I heard 3 very loud KABOOM's. They didn't sound as though they were close, based on the subsequent echoes....but the earth (and my house) shook with reverb.

Then, the power went out.

And stayed out.

Until around 1 pm yesterday.

Apparently, 69K people were without power. Our little nook of this county was hit particularly hard.

In an instant, the house was silent. Like - ear-ringing silence. It was amazing. We actually saw many neighbors out and about in the neighborhood - which was a good thing. Neighbors out here in the burbs tend to stay indoors, and I guess with no tv or computers or much of anything to distract them inside, they ventured out.

It didn't really impact us - because we tend to be outside during the weekend anyhow, working on house or garden stuff, walking the dogs, etc. And Beck is way into emergency preparedness, so we are well-equipped with flashlights, candles, even a battery operated radio. She tends to view these sorts of occurrences as an adventure. Although being without her beloved television (TV-Land, Discovery, History....she LOVES TV!) was torturous.

It DID result in a fridge full of food (mostly the stuff in the freezer) thawing out. That sucked. But you know, our budget has been kind of tight here these past couple months, and we don't tend to stock up like we used to - so it wasn't as full as it would have been.

It DID cause me to quit work early on Friday because my laptop battery fizzled after a couple hours.

It DID make it impossible to get our cars out of the garage, because we have a really heavy wood garage door and springs that don't work so good, so our cars really are trapped in the garage when something like this happens.

This was, I think, the biggest impact...on both Friday evening and Saturday morning.

I called my friend, Jillian, to tell her about the outage and my garage door situation. Without hesitation, she volunteered to come pick me up for our evening out. We had been looking forward to dinner at White Castle (of all places! Silvija picked, and neither Jillian nor I had ever been) and then to see Sex in the City. It was a no-brainer for her - "I'll come pick you up, no problem." And then, we matter-of-factly worked out the logistics for when she'd need to pick me up so we could be back south for our dinner engagement.

A couple of things: Not only was this out of her way on a normal day, AND it was rush hour (those two things alone were HUGE!)....but traffic lights were not working (and a HUGE and old and very stately maple tree was halved by the wind, which closed one road entirely). This made the trip very complicated.

I had just been reading a book on Buddhism (It's Easier Than you Think, by Boorstein) and was very much experimenting with letting go of suffering and accepting what was. Jillian, however, was experiencing stress, because (not only did TRAFFUCK SUCK) but we were most definitely going to be late to meet Silvija at White Castle.

Jillian has the must-be-on-time-or-better-yet-early gene (you know, the one I lack - but I'm trying so hard to be better...I want to point out that was ready and waiting outside on my bench for Jillian BEFORE our designated pick-up time....that's saying something. I was so proud! Of course, I had no power for primping, so my getting-ready routine was abbreviated...but still....). Her chief concerns were: Silvija would think we stood her up; or we got the wrong White Castle location (because goddess forbid, there are multiple hideously white castles around, dotting our suburban landscape); maybe Silvija wouldn't even be there by the time we arrived; maybe we would not get to the theatre in time for good seats (since this was the opening night and the majority of tickets were already sold in advance!).....she (Jillian) has this genuine concern and consideration for others.

Me? I was irritated by the traffuck. (Thank you, Wen, for the eloquent term - it is so appropriate) I had let go of being on time to White Castle. We were gonna be late, and I just tried not to stress about that. For the first time, EVER, Jillian was late in picking me up - on account of the traffuck. On a perfect day, it isn't likely that we would have ever made it to White Castle on time; well, maybe if we were birds and could fly a very direct route. And, as we know, this day was less than perfect from a commuting standpoint. It just wasn't gonna happen.

But here's what was cool about it: Jillian, Beck and I each viewed the thing differently and brought a different sensibility to it. Becky pretended she was on a reality show about pioneers, Jillian remained calm (though stressed) and drove safely, skillfully, and quickly. I navigated so we could route ourselves away from roads that had traffic signals, and I continuously tried to reach White Castle on my cell phone (you know, so I could ask the White Castle employee to find the blonde lady and tell her we were on our way? Right. It made sense to me at the time). We were only 15 minutes late - which was miraculous.

White Castle was....different. I was sliding before the movie even started. Nice.

Then, I was unable to go to Pilates yesterday morning, which was a huge deal for me. I know I could have called Jillian to, once again, go way out of her way to pick me up (we're in the same class)....and she totally would have done it, once again, without a second's hesitation. But I didn't know if the traffic lights were working yet (I was betting they weren't), and I just couldn't ask her to make that horrendous trip again.

So, I called Faith at 730 with the heads-up that I didn't have power and likely wasn't going to be able to make it. My Saturday morning practice is a highlight for me, I look forward to it all week. But, one doesn't need electricity to do roll-ups or 100's, so I made-believe that I was there. It wasn't the same.

We couldn't make coffee. This was very bad; almost as disappointing as missing Pilates. We enjoy our coffee in the morning. Not a lot, just a cup. We were tempted to fire up the camping stove and make coffee on the deck.

Just after noon Saturday, the house shuddered as the electricity came back on, the familiar hum of the fridge and air filters whirring again. Clocks all blinking 12. It's amazing how, even when there's nothing "on" in the house, it's still noisy. Huge contrast.

But all in all, aside from missing the connectivity of a computer....the garage situation was the biggest deal. It's one we're going to address once we need to replace the garage door. I'm thinking we won't get another wood door next time.

until next time,
a

The more I smile, the more you pout - we'll help each other out!

2008-05-16T15:17:00.000-07:00

I've felt kind of quiet until now. I was searching YouTube for Ralph Covert video, so I could hear samples of his music and know which cd I needed to purchase from ITunes. I did find good old Ralph, and in the process, came across this little ditty of James Taylor singing to Oscar (the Grouch).....I couldn't help but smile....and (bonus!) I find myself newly inspired to pick up my guitar.

Music....the soundtrack of life.

2008-05-07T06:26:00.000-07:00

I found this little MEME (I don't know what a MEME is....but I love music and how it resonates with life, so I decided to play along). I have over 3500 songs on my IPOD - and I admit that I don't know them all. I've been shuffling since I loaded it up, including a couple long road-trips, and haven't made it through. In fact, I haven't even gotten to many of the songs that came up with this little exercise.

1) How would you describe yourself?  Everybody’s Talkin’ (Harry Nilsson). I don’t hear a word they’re saying, only the echoes of my mind. The truth is....I am very sensitive to what others say and think....so this is a really intresting shuffle!

2) What do you like in a guy/girl?  The Other Side (Melissa Ferrick). To be loved so much, to actually wanna love again. I’m floatin’ out here, waiting for the moon to push the tide. Trusting the ocean to carry me to the other side. OR>...maybe I just love Ferrick?????? We explored this girl-crush at length this past weekend.

3) What is your motto?  A Whiter Shade of Pale (Annie Lennox cover). If music be the food of love, then laughter is its queen
and likewise if behind is in front, then dirt in truth is clean... I don't really fully understand this song; but the melody and flow of the words is so beautiful. I especially like this version by Annie Lennox - it sounds like heaven.

4) What do your friends think of you?  Si Volvera’ (Erika Luckett).

I don't speak Spanish, I speak Italian; so I only guess at what the lyrics mean (love and loss, unknown, painting...artistic expression as a means of making one's self feel better). This song has a very flamenco feel to it, and it makes me dance....my inner Latina comes out, and I dance like noone's watching.

5) What do you think about often?  Don’t Let it Bring you Down (Annie Lennox covers Neil Young). Don’t let it bring you down….you will come around.

6) What do your parents think of you?  Home by Another Way (James Taylor) Maybe me and you can go home by another way….safe home. I think my parents think of me as a hard-working free spirit....taking whatever presents itself and experiencing it and adjusting....

7) What do you think of your best friend? Gravedigger (Richard Julian). This is from "Fast Folk" and is on the 2nd disk - one I've never listened to! I've talked a lot about my wishes for when I die with my best friend....burn my journal, don't hang out with my dead body for 3 days.....  

8) What do you think of the person you like? A Lucky Musician (Pete Seeger) – an intro…”I must be the luckiest musician getting to sing these songs I love!” 

9) What do you want to be when you grow up?  Burn All the Letters (Indigo Girls). I can't believe it....there's an IG song I don't know by heart. This seems to be about protecting what's sacred....

10) What do you think when you see the person you like?  America (Ellis)

11) What song will they play at your wedding? Winter Wonderland (Harry Connick Jr.). I love this arrangement. No words, just really lively, syncopated piano.

12) What will they play at your funeral? Two Little Feet (Karen Savoca covering Greg Brown). Two little feet to carry me across a big mountain….

13) What is your hobby/interest? Expendable (Ellis)

14) What is your biggest fear?  Go (Indigo Girls). Raise your hands, Raise your hands high, Don't take a seat, Don't stand aside
This time don't assume anything , Just go go go ....
I think my biggest fear is being "found out"....on so many different levels than just the obvious.

15) What is your biggest secret? On the Road Again (Willie Nelson). The life I love is makin’ music with my friends…. (not sure this is a secret, though!)

16) What do you think of your friends? Spring & All (Mary Chapin Carpenter). It’s spring, and what’s left of the hippies return.

17) What is your theme song? Secret o’ Life (James Taylor). The secret of life is enjoying the passage of time….any fool can do it, there ain’t nothin’ to it. Nobody knows how we got to the top of the hill, but since we’re on the way down, we might as well enjoy the ride. The secret of love is in opening up your heart. It’s ok to feel afraid, but don’t let it stand in your way.

This is very appropriate - trying to stay in the present and be with what is....and finding a way to find joy and reason to celebrate.

18) What do you think of your family? Bring me Li’l Water Silvy (Pete Seeger). Bring me little water Silvy, every little once in a while….

We're not fancy....but we're there for each other in ways that count and resonate.

19) What is your best friend's theme song? If You Miss Me at the Back of the Bus (Pete Seeger). If you miss me at the back of the bus, you can’t find me no where; c’mon over to the front of the bus, I’ll be ridin’ up there.

My best friend is a very brave activist....and loves Pete Seeger!

20) What is your mood right now?  Sloop John B (Beach Boys). I feel so broke up, I wanna go home.

I feel stressed...and home is safe.

21) If your heart could talk what would it say? Don’t Ever Call Your Sweetheart by His Name (Christine Lavin). I used to get their names mixed up, but now here’s what I do….to avoid any possible embarrassment or shame, I never call a sweet heart by his name.

22) What do your co-workers think of you? Sweet Potato Pie (James Taylor). Oh Lord, I feel fine today….walkin’ on cloud 9 nine today.

23) What does your future look like? Lay Lady Lay (Bob Dylan). Lay across my big brass bed….whatever colors you have in your mind, I’ll show them to you and you’ll see them shine.

Probably my least favorite Dylan song; "lay across my big brayuss bayuhd"...makes my fur stand up. I use the chord progression to move up and down the neck with barre chords. Maybe my future looks like barre chords will finally make sense and happen without a big pregnant pause and cramped fingers.

Goodbye, reality....hello Sim City

2008-05-04T18:20:00.000-07:00

True confession: I am obsessive about some things. Like video games, as one example.....

I love, in particular, the Sims. LOVE the Sims.

I found the "complete collection" for my new mac (the original sims plus all 7 expansion packs) online and, with a credit, picked the whole thing up for $10.

I've returned from a marvelous weekend with my sister....We didn't win any of the fabulous raffle prizes - although Joanna did win a paper distressing kit with one of the raffle drawings. It was just nice to hang with her, and we always laugh so much.

I am in FULL BLOWN party-anticipation and planning mode....I'm so excited!!!!

And, I suspect that this might be my last post for a while, now that the Sims are back in town......goddess help me.

xo,
girlie

My brain looks like a carousel on fire....

2008-05-01T18:25:00.000-07:00

I think this could quite possibly be my new anthem...embracing the "work in progress-ness" that is our humanity.

Plus, I do love me some Melissa Ferrick.

100's, bridges....but roll-ups still elusive

2008-05-01T06:44:00.000-07:00

so - i did it! i got my brand spankin' new mat out (a cushy-thick blue one, jilly! it was a gift from phat g a couple years ago that i was saving while i used up the purple one that i have since given away!).....

i did the hundreds. a few extra even, while i was fending off the big dog who thinks it's time to lick and play whenever i lay on the floor.....

i did the bridges.....complete with self-correction to zip up the abs and keep breathing like a furnace.

feeling very good.....i progressed right into the thus-far elusive roll-ups.....

it's maddening, this apparent block i have. i get to the middle of my spine in the rolling up process (think, "fruit roll-up" for the spine).....and freeze.

we're pretty sure it's a mental, not a physical block.....because, once i manage to get my body in the scooped-out sitting-up position, i can roll back down pretty fluidly.

and...if you are able to go in one direction, you're using all the same muscles and movement that you'd use to go the other way. and yet....i get stuck.

i think i'm going to try teaching my body what it feels like to roll up by anchoring the tips of my toes under the sofa or something. maybe this will shake the block loose. i know i won't be using my core as much this way, and don't intend to use this crutch forever....just until my body makes friends with the movement itself.

2 Days 'Til Pretty Lake

2008-04-30T15:52:00.000-07:00

So, it's almost 6 pm....hump day (at least the day-job part of it) is officially over.

I'm pretty excited, actually, because tomorrow's like friday for me. That's because I'm going scrappin' with my sister for the weekend - and taking Friday off. Very exciting. For lots of reasons...

1. someone else does the cooking

2. we each get a 9-foot table to ourselves...with the ultra-sexy luxury of getting to leave all of our crafting gear spread out all over the place for the whole weekend! no cleaning up! (until sunday)

3. generally, they play good tunes all weekend.

4. it's been a while since joanna and i have spent some quality time just hanging. we claim two tables directly across from one another and sit and craft and gab the whole time!

5. we whip off our bras and put on our sweats and that's how we stay until it's time to leave. very slothly!

mostly, though, i'm excited just to hang with joanna. she has a wicked sharp sense of humor and is just generally a good egg.

my gear is sort of stashed in its normal places here in my perch (office/craft haven)...and i don't know where my pictures are. if i plan on leaving tomorrow, i'd better get my arse in gear...since loading the car is always an adventure unto itself.

that's just about the only part of this bi-yearly adventure that is not my favorite...the whole pack the car process.

This place we go to is amazing...it's called "Pretty Lake". Last time I was there, I actually confirmed (visual confirmation) that there is, in fact, a lake on-site. Not sure whether I'd call it pretty. It's this wooded facility...with a number of cinder-block dorm type buildings. Maybe 10 rooms/building - each with 2 sets of bunk beds; community bathrooms; a "Great Room" with a stone fireplace and floor-to-ceiling windows (that face the lake they call pretty)....and meals are served in a mess hall. There's a well-equipped kitchen in the great room as well, but, due to fire codes, we aren't allowed to use any of the appliances except for the fridge....which always seems kind of weird to me. Like, it just BEGS the question....if we can't USE the stuff...WHY torment us by putting it there in the first place?

It's lovely there at Pretty Lake. And I could really use this time away.

And now, I'm gonna act quickly while I'm inspired and motivated...and get my yoga mat out and do my 100's....and maybe some bridges...and the dreaded roll-up. My goal (for now) is to be able to do a dang roll up perfectly. Or...at all. I was just building up some momentum with pilates and I don't want to lose it during this hiatus.

Maiden voyage on the bloggy road....

2008-04-29T18:09:00.000-07:00

So lots of my friends blog....and I read them avidly, following along like some wicked game of "Where's Waldo". Why do I not blog?

Today, all that's changing.

Here I am, perched up in my crow's nest of an office, looking out on "the wild side" across the way, shadows of evening settling in like cold steel.....and I find I have not a damn thing to say.

Today was a good day, though....I got some things out on the table with a dear friend, I made invitations for my 40th birthday bash, and got a fab new haircut.

Ordinarily, today would be pilates mat class day....but it's spring break from pilates. I often ponder the many mind-body connections I've started in motion, and the physical changes I can already feel and am starting to see. Mostly, I try not to think about it at all..because if I think about it in terms of having an outwardly attractive body, I FREAK. For me, it's all about health...and if outward attractiveness happens, that's icing on the cake.

Tomorrow's hump day...then just 2 more days until I get to spend the weekend with my sister.

Until next time,

peace from the road