There's a river of birds in migration
A nation of women with wings.
--Libana
I just spent a weekend camping with very close friends, who have become more like family...these are the women I call my "tribe". I met them at an annual event called the Michigan Womyn's Music Festival (MWMF). It happens every August in, as you might have guessed, Michigan. I think next year will be the 37th year - although I'm not sure. I sort of do the math by figuring that the festival is 10 years older than the local folk music festival I work to produce every year.
My first festival was in 2002. I haven't missed a year since. This year, my Aunt and Sister and new niece joined me for part of the week - and THAT was really special.
They had been hearing me talk about the festival and how energizing and empowering it is for me to go unplug for a week in the woods and recharge my batteries by immersing myself music, workshops and community.
It is a festival that's intended for women who were born female and still identify as such. There aren't many events (in fact, I found only one other by googling it) with this specific purpose. So, while I definitely go to lots of other events throughout the year, the uniqueness of this space calls me home in August. It is positively affirming to go to this place where everything is done by women...the plumbing; the wood burning stoves in the kitchen where the meals are cooked; the electricity; building the stage; the stories-high sound and lighting booth....and I know I'm forgetting a LOT that has to happen to bring that community in the woods to life every year.
Anyhow - as I was camping in the state park this past weekend, with my small group of festival friends, I reflected back on this year's Michigan Womyn's Music Festival with such gratitude. It was a tough year for me since it was my first fest without my partner, Becky, who passed away in early 2011 after a fierce and short battle with cancer. She introduced me to fest; I had never even been tent-camping before that year. But my friends came in closer and supported me through it, and gave me space when I just needed to fall apart. So, I reflected on that, too. Mostly, what I'm feeling is a huge amount of gratitude for finding Becky, for finding Fest, and for having the friends/family in my life that I do.
Life is GOOD. And, I'll see you in August.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
My friend Natalia and her sister Arianna have started a sister's blog - which led me here....and I had to log in in order to follow their blog (they're very funny and remind me a lot of my relationship with my own sister)....and when I logged in, and saw my own blog, I realized it has been an insanely long time since I wrote here.
If I look at the pattern, it would seem that I blog when I'm grieving. Huh. Interesting pattern.
Ah well - I'm grieving again, so there you go.
Speaking of the grieving process. Wow - it's not linear...it's like a spiraling onion....and I'm trying again to just honor whatever feelings come up, trusting the process and that whatever it is...it's normal. And temporary.
Reading a great book by SARK - one that was gifted to me by my generous friend Diane...it's called "Glad No Matter What - Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity."
I totally buy into it....that grief and loss can give way to something beautiful and growing.
I also believe that we are all spiritual beings having experiences in physical bodies. And if THAT's true....then when our physical bodies die, we're still spiritual beings very much alive.
And yet....even though all that's true....I'm in the midst of some pretty dark grief filled days....and find myself wondering how or if I'll ever really be happy again....or if I'll get to a point in the process where I don't cry every day.
But - more about that later. I'm exhausted....and blogging now would be kinda like drunk dialing. Good to be back, and I have my friend to thank....
If I look at the pattern, it would seem that I blog when I'm grieving. Huh. Interesting pattern.
Ah well - I'm grieving again, so there you go.
Speaking of the grieving process. Wow - it's not linear...it's like a spiraling onion....and I'm trying again to just honor whatever feelings come up, trusting the process and that whatever it is...it's normal. And temporary.
Reading a great book by SARK - one that was gifted to me by my generous friend Diane...it's called "Glad No Matter What - Transforming Loss and Change into Gift and Opportunity."
I totally buy into it....that grief and loss can give way to something beautiful and growing.
I also believe that we are all spiritual beings having experiences in physical bodies. And if THAT's true....then when our physical bodies die, we're still spiritual beings very much alive.
And yet....even though all that's true....I'm in the midst of some pretty dark grief filled days....and find myself wondering how or if I'll ever really be happy again....or if I'll get to a point in the process where I don't cry every day.
But - more about that later. I'm exhausted....and blogging now would be kinda like drunk dialing. Good to be back, and I have my friend to thank....
Wednesday, December 16, 2009
This week's pick one thing....
Within the last 6 months, I have been required to work from the office (as opposed to working from home)...to make the concept (and the rush-hour commute) more palatable, I started cultivating this horrible habit of going through the McDonald's drive through for McCafe'. Then, as long as I was there, I would get a breakfast sandwich.
I knew that was a habit that I needed to break - both for health and financial reasons. Yet, I just couldn't; my car was sucked into the drive through like a magnet.
When I thought about why I was resisting...I discovered that it wasn't the food at all that I wanted - it was the coffee. The food got added because I have taken to carrying little/no cash on my person; I use my debit card. (this is how I discovered that I needed a separate budget line-item just for my nasty drive-through habit) And, when I used my debit card I would feel guilty (don't ask...I can't explain) "just" getting a coffee...like use of a debit card wasn't justifiable or permissable for "just" coffee. That is how the food got thrown in.
So...I set out to find a way to have the coffee that I enjoy in the morning while saving money and avoiding fast food. I bought myself a coffee maker for the office (because I didn't want to spend $4 on a coffee at the cafe here in the building, either) and started using it 2 weeks ago.
I am happy to say that, for the 2 weeks since I got the machine, I have not driven through McDonald's! I have saved $5.59/day on the coffee and McGriddle combo and avoided fast food!
Next week I'll be at the homestead in Michigan...safe travels to all this holiday season.
I knew that was a habit that I needed to break - both for health and financial reasons. Yet, I just couldn't; my car was sucked into the drive through like a magnet.
When I thought about why I was resisting...I discovered that it wasn't the food at all that I wanted - it was the coffee. The food got added because I have taken to carrying little/no cash on my person; I use my debit card. (this is how I discovered that I needed a separate budget line-item just for my nasty drive-through habit) And, when I used my debit card I would feel guilty (don't ask...I can't explain) "just" getting a coffee...like use of a debit card wasn't justifiable or permissable for "just" coffee. That is how the food got thrown in.
So...I set out to find a way to have the coffee that I enjoy in the morning while saving money and avoiding fast food. I bought myself a coffee maker for the office (because I didn't want to spend $4 on a coffee at the cafe here in the building, either) and started using it 2 weeks ago.
I am happy to say that, for the 2 weeks since I got the machine, I have not driven through McDonald's! I have saved $5.59/day on the coffee and McGriddle combo and avoided fast food!
Next week I'll be at the homestead in Michigan...safe travels to all this holiday season.
Friday, December 11, 2009
Grieving through the "firsts"....
My Dad died in mid-October 2008. Fully a year ago.
"They" say that the first everything is the hardest after someone dies. First holidays, first birthday...you name it....if it's the first after the death, then it's the hardest.
Well, I am not disputing "them". But I will also say very honestly that I feel like the first holidays without my Dad - i.e., the holidays of 2008 - were a cake-walk compared to this second wave of grief that has swelled up this year.
Maybe it's because he died so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas...so that initial hazy fox with which grief blankets us in those first weeks or months after someone dies carried me through the holidays relatively unscathed....
Whereas someone whose loved one died early in the year might experience their first holidays without the loved one with more sadness and missing.
Now, a year out, I'm much clearer in my head....and the holidays this year, I'm finding, are a whole different ball of string. Seems like THIS round of holidays is felt with the same kind of magnitude normally reserved for the first round that "they" warn you about.
So it's sort of like when tissue goes into shock...the nerves sort of numb-up....and then, later, when stuff starts coming back to life tissues and nerves connect we are thrust back into the acute awareness of the pain that comes with healing.
I keep clinging to the fact that grief is a process - although admit to really wondering when I'll see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Mostly, though...I just miss my Dad.
"They" say that the first everything is the hardest after someone dies. First holidays, first birthday...you name it....if it's the first after the death, then it's the hardest.
Well, I am not disputing "them". But I will also say very honestly that I feel like the first holidays without my Dad - i.e., the holidays of 2008 - were a cake-walk compared to this second wave of grief that has swelled up this year.
Maybe it's because he died so close to Thanksgiving and Christmas...so that initial hazy fox with which grief blankets us in those first weeks or months after someone dies carried me through the holidays relatively unscathed....
Whereas someone whose loved one died early in the year might experience their first holidays without the loved one with more sadness and missing.
Now, a year out, I'm much clearer in my head....and the holidays this year, I'm finding, are a whole different ball of string. Seems like THIS round of holidays is felt with the same kind of magnitude normally reserved for the first round that "they" warn you about.
So it's sort of like when tissue goes into shock...the nerves sort of numb-up....and then, later, when stuff starts coming back to life tissues and nerves connect we are thrust back into the acute awareness of the pain that comes with healing.
I keep clinging to the fact that grief is a process - although admit to really wondering when I'll see the light at the end of this tunnel.
Mostly, though...I just miss my Dad.
Sunday, November 1, 2009
Wow - a year (almost) has passed....
So, my good friend and amazing songwriter, Ellis (ellis-music.com) just uploaded her first video-blog on her blogspot site, and I wanted to leave a comment....which meant I had to log in....which led me to my own blogspot page....which led me to realize how dang long it has been since I have written. Wow! Almost a year!
Today is the first day of Nanowrimo, which stands for "National Novel Writer's Month" - a month-long challenge to write an entire novel in just one month. I attempted it before, and got about 2/3 of the way to the word limit on my novel - which was a meandering mess of epic proportions that I suppose would have had some sort of an arc if you stood far enough away from it...but it sure wasn't gonna reach the end of the rainbow by the end of that November or by the time I reached the word limit.
This year, I don't think I'm gonna attempt Nanowrimo. Rather, I think I'm going to be more mindful about blogging here and call it good. Probably won't get as fancy as Miss Ellis with a video-blog - or maybe I will. Some day. For now, blogging with words will be great.
Another great and inspiring friend of mine, Faith (my fitness guru ab-whisperer), has been talking for a few months now about just tackling one thing at a time..."just one thing."
Here it is....my one thing for this week: play my guitar every day, for at least the amount of time it takes for a birthday cake-sized candle to extinguish (that's about 5 minutes, as I recall....longer is ok, but at least 5 minutes).
What's yours?
Today is the first day of Nanowrimo, which stands for "National Novel Writer's Month" - a month-long challenge to write an entire novel in just one month. I attempted it before, and got about 2/3 of the way to the word limit on my novel - which was a meandering mess of epic proportions that I suppose would have had some sort of an arc if you stood far enough away from it...but it sure wasn't gonna reach the end of the rainbow by the end of that November or by the time I reached the word limit.
This year, I don't think I'm gonna attempt Nanowrimo. Rather, I think I'm going to be more mindful about blogging here and call it good. Probably won't get as fancy as Miss Ellis with a video-blog - or maybe I will. Some day. For now, blogging with words will be great.
Another great and inspiring friend of mine, Faith (my fitness guru ab-whisperer), has been talking for a few months now about just tackling one thing at a time..."just one thing."
Here it is....my one thing for this week: play my guitar every day, for at least the amount of time it takes for a birthday cake-sized candle to extinguish (that's about 5 minutes, as I recall....longer is ok, but at least 5 minutes).
What's yours?
Wednesday, December 31, 2008
On the precipice of a new year....
My friend, Kristin, sent this to me today via FaceBook (she received it via her team's chaplain at work)...I wanted to record it here, both for you to see (because I think it's filled with hope and inspiration) and because I want to have it some place where it's easy for ME to find as well....
Standing at the Gates of the New Year
Sacred Mystery, waiting on the threshold of this new year,
You open the gates and beckon to me:
“Come! Come! Be not wary of what awaits you as you enter the unknown terrain,
Be not doubtful of your ability to grow from its joys and sorrows.
For I am with you. I will be your guide. I will be your protector.
You will never be alone”.
Guardian of this new year, I set aside my fears, worries, concerns,
I open my life to mystery, to beauty, to hospitality, to questions,
To the endless opportunity of discovering you in my relationships,
And to all the silent wisps of wonder tht will draw me to your heart.
I welcome your unfailing Presence
And walk with hope into this new year.
Joyce Rupp
Standing at the Gates of the New Year
Sacred Mystery, waiting on the threshold of this new year,
You open the gates and beckon to me:
“Come! Come! Be not wary of what awaits you as you enter the unknown terrain,
Be not doubtful of your ability to grow from its joys and sorrows.
For I am with you. I will be your guide. I will be your protector.
You will never be alone”.
Guardian of this new year, I set aside my fears, worries, concerns,
I open my life to mystery, to beauty, to hospitality, to questions,
To the endless opportunity of discovering you in my relationships,
And to all the silent wisps of wonder tht will draw me to your heart.
I welcome your unfailing Presence
And walk with hope into this new year.
Joyce Rupp
Friday, December 19, 2008
The flake report - from my 3rd floor perch
Well, the weather-folk were right! The snow storm arrived as predicted. It's around when I started working at 7 am, there was 7 inches of fluffy white stuff on the ground. It shows no sign of stopping.
The flakes are a mixed crowd.
Some wander aimlessly...very floaty and light. Others make a bee-line to the ground.
Not much wind, either. So, the floating flakes seem to be floating of their own volition and not because they are propelled by wind. It's quite lovely.
I haven't actually been IN the snow yet, so I'm not sure if it's the right material for a snowperson or snowball. I'm hoping it's at least a little wet, though, because there is certainly enough of it to make a whole village of peeps.
For now, until meetings wrap for the day, I am enjoying it all from my bird's eye perch, with a cup of coffee and the sounds of neighborhood snowblowers filling the air.
The flakes are a mixed crowd.
Some wander aimlessly...very floaty and light. Others make a bee-line to the ground.
Not much wind, either. So, the floating flakes seem to be floating of their own volition and not because they are propelled by wind. It's quite lovely.
I haven't actually been IN the snow yet, so I'm not sure if it's the right material for a snowperson or snowball. I'm hoping it's at least a little wet, though, because there is certainly enough of it to make a whole village of peeps.
For now, until meetings wrap for the day, I am enjoying it all from my bird's eye perch, with a cup of coffee and the sounds of neighborhood snowblowers filling the air.
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